Zombie Women of Satan

When you were young, your parents would tell you things like 'don't talk to strangers', 'always look both ways before crossing the road' and 'always tell us before you go playing somewhere'. Another pearl of wisdom was 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all'; if that had stayed with me, then many reviews, including this one, would be extremely short.

Apparently, writer/co-director Warren Speed just came up with the title 'Zombie Whores of Satan' and thought it was such a brilliant title that he should make a movie with that heading. Changing it slightly to 'Zombie Women of Satan', he integrated his background as a stand-up comic and member of a burlesque group into a film about a burlesque team who accidentally team up with an Australian singer called Skye and, after a night in a hotel, stumble upon a weird family who run an Internet television show and carry out experiments on women in the hope of turning them into... well, who knows what.

Not only does Warren Speed act as co-director/writer/producer, he also plays one of the lead characters, Pervo The Clown. As one of the members of the freak show/burlesque act, he and the other performers head into the country where they are due to appear on an Internet TV show which, some of them hope, will lead to bigger and better things. Unfortunately, the host, Tycho Zander, is not just a minor personality, but a member of a weird family headed by his father, Henry, who is experimenting on women in the hope of winning the Nobel Prize for Medicine. Henry keeps his wife chained up in a room adjoining his laboratory, titillating her with tales of his scientific breakthroughs and the promise of some form of deviant sexual behaviour.

Once in the studio, Skye thinks she sees her long lost sister outside and, taking advantage of Tycho's distraction because a group of women have become infected with a strange chemical compound that has turned them into flesh eating automatons, she, and the rest of the group, head out in search of the missing woman.

It is clear from the very beginning of that Zombie Women of Satan is an extremely low budget film that got by on goodwill and a few quid here and there rather than anything that was meticulously planned and budgeted. The characters are all unconvincing with no particular back story (apart from Pervo The Clown, who is given some form of background as to why he doesn't like anyone touching his nose) and they are all extremely unlikeable. If Warren Speed obviously thinks that a great deal of swear words will paper over any cracks in the story; he is wrong. Swearing works well when used correctly, as in Pulp Fiction, South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut and Goodfellas where it seems to come naturally to the characters and just flows with the rest of the dialogue. In this case, however, it feels tacked on and completely unnecessary as if Speed wrote it for the sake of including obscenities and, when the cast improvise, no one thought to say "will you just tone it down a bit; this is a bit too much". Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against obscenities in films when they are used correctly. It is when it seems like swearing is included for swearing sake that it really jars.


Not helping the film's cause is the woeful screenplay and direction -- the title doesn't even make sense as the women aren't 'zombies' in the traditional sense, merely unfortunates who have been poisoned, and Satan doesn't even come into it, the mad scientist isn't even a Satanist! It looks and feels like a student film (and not one that would gain a passing grade). Perhaps the best metaphor for the entire project is a long scene in which Zeus the dwarf takes a dump in the woods. This is no ordinary bowel movement, but once stretched out over many, many minutes with just about every sound effect thrown in for good (or should that be bad) measure. Not content with concentrating on the diminutive strongman taking a s***, the film feels the need to show him contemplating as to what is available for him to wipe his arse on and then give a long, lingering close-up on the pile of faeces.

As somewhat of a connoisseur of bad movies, I was prepared to give this a lot of leeway but it wasn't long before it tried my patience and eventually irritated me to the point where I seriously considered turning it off. I hated everyone involved, didn't care about any of the characters so the central premise of Skye looking for her long lost sister falls completely flat and, as for Henry and his experiments, it seemed to be referencing films that are much, much better but doing it badly. Zombie Women of Satan is a dreadful film and I have probably given it far too much time and web space than it deserves.

The Disc

Extra Features
The commentary, with Warren Speed and one of the female members of the cast (I forget which and really couldn't be bothered to write her name down) is clearly done on the cheap with extremely low volume and dialogue coming from odd directions. With commentaries, you can generally tell after about five minutes whether they are going to be any good or not and, with this, it was clear after about 90 seconds that it was going to be terrible. It appears as if the two were sharing one microphone and, after about a quarter of an hour, I gave up as I had better things to do with my time, like sleep.

There is an interview with Warren Speed where he appears much more at ease fielding questions than talking on his own. He talks about where the idea for the film came from, his own background and plans for a sequel. It obviously helps that the interviewer was a cast member, so he knew her. Later on in the 13 minute piece, Speed is joined by a couple of other cast members who talk about their time on set and what it was like being involved in the film and how they feel about their death scenes.

You also get the theatrical trailer and a stills gallery.


The Picture
A very clear 1.85:1 anamorphic picture with vibrant colours and decent contrast levels. The less said about the zombie effects, the better, as they are generally of the quality that you and a couple of mates could knock up with some supplies from a joke shop and make up. KNB Effects will lose no sleep over this.

The Sound
You have the choice of Dolby Digital 5.1 surround or 2.0 stereo and, to be honest, the surround option is an absolute waste of space. The film is entirely front loaded so all that this track does is make the dialogue less clear. The stereo option is by far the best of the two, presenting the dialogue very well and, as there aren't really any ambient sounds or action sequences, you're not losing out by only having the two channels.


Final Thoughts
I have seen some fairly abysmal low budget horror films in my time, but this one ranks somewhere near the bottom. It tries to be a horror/comedy but, as there isn't any horror, nor any comedy to speak of, it fails on both counts. Judging by the user reviews on the IMDb, this polarises opinion in to those who, like me, thought the film was absolutely dreadful and those who thought it was fantastic with some extremely sexy zombies. I don't really want to cast aspersions, but I can only guess that the reviewers who gave it at least 8/10 were members of the cast and crew or their families as no one in their right mind would think that this piece of garbage was that good.

I don't really want to be overly harsh, but this is a terrible film that should be avoided at all costs. Whatever hopes Warren Speed has for its sequel should be put firmly on the backburner whilst he continues his career as a stand-up comic and member of an all male burlesque act around the North East of England as, whatever he does on stage, it must be better than what he does on screen.