Review of Cleopatra 2525: Season 1 Vol. 2 Episodes 8 to 14

Introduction

Cleopatra, coming `atcha! (I couldn`t resist) I hope that particular reference didn`t pass too many people by. What a concept though, three has-been popstrels plucked from media obscurity by a time warp and sent into the distant future to combat the supreme evil by deft use of their harmonies and choreographed dance moves. On second thoughts, that`s a ridiculous idea. No one would take that seriously. Far more plausible is the notion behind sci-fi series Cleopatra 2525.

Cleopatra is an exotic dancer who goes for a cosmetic surgery procedure to enhance her ahem, assets but falls into a coma. She awakens 500 years later in the year 2525 (Just writing those four words brings to mind that nauseating theme song.) to find that the world has been taken over by malicious machines called Baileys and humanity has been driven underground. She is rescued by two freedom fighters, Hel and Sarge and the three women join together to fight for freedom against the machines and to return humanity to the paradise they have lost. They are aided in this by Voice, a voice naturally, that guides Hel through their missions and Mauser, a redeemed Betrayer (sort of a cloned terminator) All this of course has to be done wearing the skimpiest of costumes with loads of high kicking action.

The second volume of the first series contains seven episodes.

Choices: Hel, Cleo and Sarge enter an ASE (sort of a holodeck) to accomplish a Search and Rescue mission. However this turns to a hunt for a Betrayer and soon Hel must break up a happy home.

Perceptions: When an explosion traps some scientists, Hel and the others attempt a rescue mission. There the ghost of Hel`s father appears to her and leads her away from the others. It`s actually the return of Creegan who is attempting to trace Voice and he is willing to play mind games with Hel to do it.

Trial and Error: When Betrayers attempt to kidnap the telepath Raina, Hel and Sarge come to the rescue. Then under the urging of Voice, they try to use Raina`s abilities to control a Bailey.

Double: When another Cleo turns up, Hel and Sarge must decide which is the original and which is the Betrayer. Trouble rears its ugly head when another Betrayer comes to claim back its own.

The Last Stand: Sarge contracts a serious case of hero-worship when the girls go to rescue famed Protector Jake Lawson. They find him protecting a load of abandoned nukes.

Hel and High Water Part 1: A distress call leads the girls underwater in a cobbled together submarine. Deep down, they find an insular human colony, cut off from the rest of the world for 500 years. Cleo hears her mother`s voice.

Hel and High Water Part 2: In the undersea city, the girls find a Bailey held captive by the inhabitants. Sarge is critically injured and they discover a lethal plot against the underworld.

Video

Cleopatra 2525 is presented in a regular 4:3 format. As with most US programmes the resolution is soft. The transfer is unimpressive to say the least. I kept seeing pixellation and other digital artefacts. In one scene Cleo`s nose had jaggies. The darker scenes are particularly bad with the image ghosting and leaving an afterimage.The quality of the image is bad enough, but the series itself has the lowest possible production values. It all feels like it was filmed in a shed and the sets are laughable. The special effects are pitifully bad and it`s as if they never even bothered trying. The girls` costumes are quite nice though.

Audio

The worst theme tune to ever grace a television programme rears its ugly head. Perhaps the worst dialogue ever uttered is spoken. Loads of screaming, squealing, high-pitched explosions and dodgy laser sound effects don`t entice you to pay much attention to the specifications. But for your edification, you can hear all this in DD 2.0 stereo.

Features

No extras at all are on this disc. The episodes are presented in a nicely animated menu screen, which has by far the best visual quality of anything at all on this disc. The mellifluous tones of those, oh so exquisite lyrics and the melodious rendition of the theme tune accompany the menu choices.

Conclusion

If you look in the inlay, you can see quotes from all the positive reviews this series has received from all the major newspapers. Quotes like "witty dialogue" and "tongue-in-cheek humour" or "Wondrous special effects" and "cult viewing". What the hell were these people watching? It sure wasn`t the rubbish I sat through. If any cult is interested in this it would be the Heaven`s Gate cult, and you know what happened to them. Cult is usually a synonym for crap and that old saw is proved again here. The worst possible writing coupled with dire acting competes with naff special effects and non-existent production values. I can`t even single out a performance for comment, as they are that bad, though Creegan looks like he escaped from a KISS concert.

The stories are only twenty minutes long, and never get a chance to develop. In that sense this is a live action cartoon with its twee moralistic endings and minimal character development. This is sub-Power Rangers fare aimed at the wrong audience. There is a certain hypocrisy that is apparent in these post PC times, where sexism is a no-no and looking at women as sex objects is unacceptable, yet when the terms ironic and tongue-in-cheek are used then anything goes. Using these criteria, Cleopatra puts three women in strong roles, but dresses them in skimpy outfits to do high kicking battle against bad guys. This is the kind of pap that appeals to prepubescent teens and that, only for a short while. The characters are simple, a smart intelligent Amazon, an aggressive warrior Amazon and a kooky sassy useless one. In fact, for a programme called Cleopatra, Cleo doesn`t do a whole lot, just stands around and makes twentieth century references.

That said however, I watched the last few episodes after England`s 1-0 victory over Argentina, nice that. Anyway, I think that I may have been feeling euphoric and as my brain became numb and my jaw dropped slackly open, I found myself transfixed. For one thing there is a prepubescent teen lurking in a small portion of my subconscious that appreciates the gratuitous display of thighs, midriffs and cleavage tightly bound in leather costumes despite political correctness or delusions of irony (or delusions of acting). I`m a guy, what do you expect? Second, as the series progresses, a vaguely interesting storyline regarding Voice`s motives began to develop.

Will I be watching more? Hell no! There is a description that some things are so bad they are good. Well Cleopatra 2525 is so bad it`s crap, it stinks, it blows chunks, it`s dire, but on the off chance it turns out to be a cult classic and I have to eat my words, I`ll give it a mark or two. AND I STILL CAN`T GET THAT MISBEGOTTEN THEME SONG OUT OF MY HEAD!