Review of Pirate Movie, The

Introduction

I`ll refrain from making any cracks about receiving this movie on a silver, because "pirate" and "Hollywood" tends these days to mean fireworks. Not that any self-respecting copyright-infringer would want to make copies of this unbelievable, classic turkey.

Unfortunately for you, I am a connoisseur of crapulent cinema, and I found this picture almost mesmerically awful.

"The Pirate Movie" is a magnificently, completely inept, looney-tunes musical extravaganza which pillages Gilbert and Sullivan`s "Pirates of Penzance" and leaves the operetta completely sullied. Made in Australia in 1982, with a "new and improved" rock score of the variety that put the movie musical squarely out of fashion, it stars "Love Boat" regular Kristy McNichol as an ugly duckling highschooler who gets caught up in the spirit of a Pirate-themed event at the local marina, and when she is later shipwrecked dreams up a whole pirates-of-penzance fantasy while washed up on the beach.

Christopher Atkins (Brooke Shields` "Blue Lagoon" co-star) offers amiable romantic interest for our heroine, and Ted Hamilton turns in a swashbuckling performance as the Pirate King. Special mention should be given to the late Bill Kerr (once a stalwart of Z-cars and one of a group of Australian actors who found regular employment in the UK during the 1950s and 60s). He gives a magnificently over-the-top performance as the Modern Major-General, belting out an updated version of the piece complete with references to Star Wars and rap music.

Part of this fantasy includes an animated musical number which is almost too painful to watch. It was directed by Ken Annakin, who also turned out one of my favourite comfort movies "Monte Carlo Or Bust" (aka "Those Daring Young Men In Their Jaunty Jalopies"), although this is not a patch on Monte. It`s so totally forced and abysmally staged that I reckon it could stand its ground against any of Ed Wood`s output.

Video

Presented in 1.33:1 Pan and Scan, the image is colourful and lively with some grain and wear and tear. Framing of most of the movie would indicate whatever the original aspect ratio, only the centre square was being used properly so there`s little lost out of the sides of the frame.

Audio

The soundtrack is in basic Dolby Stereo (DD2.0), with the Gilbert and Sullivan stuff given the "Hooked On Classics" up-tempo treatment. A very 80s rock track fills the gaps.

Features

For £5.99 you expect extras??? Dream on.

Conclusion

This is a musical made by somebody taking the p... er... mickey. It`s a completely goofy romp with a load of knowing references and fourth-walling going on. Yes, it`s a terrible picture but if you like them cheesy, this fromage to swashbucklers and musicals cannot be equalled.