Review of Master of Disguise, The

Introduction

Normally I enjoy a bad movie, but this misbegotten tale goes way beyond simply being bad. It abuses the right. It`s embarrassingly, toe-curlingly awful. So awful that it transcends the so-bad-it`s-good and reaches the very nadir of what-the-hell-was-I-thinking-when-I-bought-this? I caught this title as part of a job lot, and it`s the first movie I`ve fast forwarded through to the end to get the experience over quickly. Caught is the operative term, by the way, I feel like I could do with a course of antibiotics after watching this.

The premise of the movie - a family whose powers of disguise have been used to fight evil for generations - is not too shabby. In the hands of more intelligent writers and a bearable lead, this could have been positively watchable. Unfortunately....

Let me put it this way. Brent Spiner`s flatulent bad guy is too good for this movie. Dana Carvey (Garth in "Wayne`s World") stars as "Pistachio Disguisey" (which shows you the blinding inspiration that went into writing the movie. Also his fault.) His performance as the childish Pistachio can only be described as a "retarded Italian stereotype". Pistachio is a wild-eyed, socially incapable half-wit who positively defies the audience to like him. James Brolin and Edie McGlurg are wasted in thankless little roles as his parents, who are kidnapped by Brent Spiner`s villain so that the father will steal priceless items like the Declaration of Independence for him to auction on Ebay. Harold Gould turns up as Pistachio`s grandfather-cum-Yoda-figure who teaches him about being a Master of Disguise and the Disguisey family`s version of The Force. Pistachio`s love interest is Jennifer Esposito, the feisty secretary from Spin City, playing a single "mom" whose brat befriends Pistachio (his mental inferior). She wanders through the movie with a permanent WTF expression on her face as if Carvey is making this **** up as he goes along.

The movie is as schizophrenic as its hero, unsure whether it`s an adventure or a moronic comedy, whether it`s aimed at an adult audience or at kids. A Bo Derek gag at the start of the picture inclines me to think you`d have to be at least twenty to get some of the pop culture references, and yet Carvey`s performance and some of the visual gags would have five-year-olds rolling their eyes and muttering "Gimme a break!".

Video

Presented in its original 1.85:1, the movie is gaudily colourful. There`s nothing technically to complain about with image quality, but masses to complain about content.

Audio

A lively Dolby Digital 5.1 mix.

Features

Too many in my estimation, but here goes. There`s an alternate ending that`s as painful to witness as the rest of the picture. Outtakes that are even less funny. Three deleted scenes - shame the rest of the movie didn`t go the same way. There are a number of painful features and a music video as well as a theatrical trailer. The movie has full subtitles in English and Hindi. Any Hindi speakers brave enough to try this garbage please tell me if it`s any funnier in Hindi.

Conclusion

There is no mountain high enough from which I could adequately express my disdain for this picture. Everyone associated with the production should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves and Dana Carvey banned from appearing in front of any image-reproducing mechanism for the rest of his natural life. Hallelujah, pass the Anadin.