Review of WWE: Armageddon 2004

Introduction

Quicker than you can say homoerotic subtext, another 160 minutes of man-grappling action is upon us. From Silvervision comes the wrestling extravaganza that was WWE: Armageddon 2004, when the professional wrestling circus converged on Atlanta to stage a battery of bone-crunching bouts, where once again titles were up for grabs, reputations in line for ruination, and in a new twist, the culmination of the latest in reality entertainment, the search for a wrestling superstar.

In between all the pontificating and the posturing, while confused wrestlers tried awkwardly to read an autocue, there were ten bouts of varying lengths and intensities. Titles up for grabs included the WWE Tag Team Championship, The United States Championship, The WWE Cruiserweight Championship of The World and of course the WWE Championship itself in a fatal four-way contest. Other fights include the Dixie dogfight, Kurt Angle going up against Father Christmas and the Big Show taking on three opponents single-handedly. In a victory for equality, you can also see Miss Jackie take on Dawn Marie fighting over `their man`

This disc autoplays with trailers for Rob Van Dam: One Of A Kind and Survivor Series. There is also an unskippable warning not to try this at home kids.

Video

A 4:3 regular picture doesn`t do anything to elevate the experience beyond watching it on television. It`s low-resolution broadcast quality American television, prone to pixellation and looking as if it has been sourced from the digital broadcast, rather than going to the original broadcast tapes. The sight of a WWE logo in the bottom corner of the screen for the duration of the programme does little to dissuade me of the notion. There are even some adverts for other events and the new WWE Wrestling on demand cable channel.

Audio

A simple DD 2.0 stereo track, the dialogue is clear and you can hear the commentators wet themselves in excitement at crucial moments during the proceedings in perfect stereo. It`s wrestling, so expect loads of thrash metal to introduce the heroes and villains of the evening. Armageddon`s theme is rather sad, and I don`t mean that in a good way. No subtitles by the way.

Features

If all those sweaty clinches aren`t enough for you, there is some extra wrestling juice in the extras section of this disc. Most of this falls under that pontificating and posturing label, but for the sake of violence, you can see the Divas fight in the locker room, commentator Tazz give a friendly pummelling to Santa Claus, and a tag team match with Paull London & Chavo Guerrero vs. Billy Kidman and Akio.

Conclusion

The BBFC have done it again, they`ve rated this disc 18. This for all intents and purposes restricts it from the target audience. American wrestling, with its larger than life characters, simplistic soap opera storylines and pyrotechnic extravagance is ideally suited to the early teen demographic. Why else would all the merchandising be marketed at that age bracket, with computer games, posters, music and `action figures with patented wrestling action and catchphrase` available from your local stores right now. Why else when the WWE came to perform in London a few years back, wrestlers would appear on Saturday morning kids TV to promote their merchandise and muscles. Of course the glamorisation of violence is to be avoided and that means protecting our vulnerable sprogs from this sort of thing.

This leaves this disc for us more mature viewers. I liked wrestling when I was twelve, but now I find it as dull as dishwater, repetitive and inane. Almost three hours of this disc was more than I could bear, and I found the fast forward button to be a godsend. Wrestling hasn`t changed in its fundamentals since I used to watch, only the faces and characters. It`s still that simple entertainment to get the blood flowing; pretty much the only objectionable thing is the outlet for petty bigotry that still persists. This time there is a tag team comprising a Frenchman and a Japanese wrestler for the crowd to boo at.

Even wrestling has entered the reality age, and in Armageddon we see the culmination for their search for a wrestling superstar of the future, with a million dollar contract up for grabs. Up to now, the prospective contests have been ritually humiliated and tested in front of baying crowds, and we are down to the final two. In an odd twist, these two finalists have to box instead of wrestle for the crowd`s approval. But this wasn`t enough to hold my attention.

WWE Armageddon was a waste of my time, and I get the feeling that quite a few other people of an age to buy this disc will probably feel the same way. The sad thing is that this disc will probably be bought by fraught parents wanting to keep little Johnny occupied for a few hours, which sort of makes mockery of the BBFC.