Review of John Thomson`s Red Hot Poker

Introduction

Now I`m not a Poker player really. I think I once got involved in a misjudged game that had me down to my well-worn Y-fronts, bringing new meaning to the phrases `Poker Face` and `Royal Flush`. But of course, I didn`t have the benefit of this DVD to ensure that I wouldn`t get past my second glove whilst all around me were down to their `in the bath` clothes wear.

But for the uninitiated, Poker isn`t just an excuse for stripping. Real weirdoes do it for money apparently.

John Thomson (best known for `Cold Feet` and `The Fast Show`) hosts this programme, supposedly featuring the "…UK`s fastest growing leisure activity". (Sounds like some wishful thinking from the programme backers to me.)

I once exchanged a few brief words with Mr. Thomson as we both found ourselves admiring the self-same 3D postcards of winking Chinese women at a small store just off the Charing Cross Road. He seemed like a thoroughly decent sort. There`s no doubt that he`s a funny chap too. Only here less so. Well, a lot less so.

The programme on disc one is a workmanlike `to camera` piece, divided up into chapters, supported with simple Photoshop graphics. It`s clumsily scripted and delivered without much conviction by Johnny T., clearly just out doing a decent days work before moving off to the next one.

It opens promisingly enough with John Thomson coming down a staircase before delivering the line: "There`s an old saying in Poker. If you`re seated at a table for half an hour and you can`t spot the sucker - well, it`s you."

From then on in, it`s pretty much downhill.

Despite its provocative title, this is really a back to basics piece, and most is about as interesting as hearing someone read out the instructions to Monopoly aloud.

Once the very basics have been covered, Chapters include `How to play Hold `em`, but these pretty much amount to instructions too. It`s pretty desperate stuff for a DVD.

Eventually, a few decent tactics are discussed in chapters like `Winning Hold `em` and `The Flop and Beyond`, and they even wheel out a psychologist for a chapter called `Playing the Man`. But try as hard as he might, poor old Dr. Peter Collett still comes across like Denis Norden`s crushingly shy younger brother. Reading from a prompter is not his forte. (One thing of note - they filmed him in their edit suite where I was able to feast my anorak-eyes on the equipment used. My suspicions that this had been produced on low-cost DV-Cam were borne out…).

There are a few cringe-worthy light-hearted moments (e.g. A toe-curler about having a `nice pair`), as well as a few moments of moral madness. During the chapter entitled `Money`, John Thomson warns that you should only bet what you can afford to lose.
It felt a bit like McDonald`s encouraging kids to do an hours exercise a day in their recent ads - it just rang a little hollow.

Of course, there`s also a section about on-line poker, horribly filmed against chroma with web-screens keyed in as background to John Thomson`s presentation. Visually a low spot for an otherwise acceptable picture.

It became apparent later that they may well even be a tie in with partypoker.com where you`re invited to go online to give it a go, with $100 worth of discount chips. Umm. I don`t think so.

I`ll cover the interactive stuff in the `features` section, but would add in summary that, whilst the main programme is amongst the dullest instructional videos I have ever seen, it shines in comparison to the interactive game.

Video

This is a low-budget video that has a few signs of telltale DV-Cam shimmer. It`s not perfect and is at the lower end of the broadcast spectrum. But on the other hand, it`s generally nicely lit and is acceptably workmanlike. In truth, it makes little odds as the programme itself is so stilted and dull than discussions about the aesthetics don`t figure too strongly in this appraisal.

Audio

Once again, perfectly good broadcast sound. The music mix is irritating, running as it does right the way through the introduction and that appearing again and again as a sting. It`s a 5.1, but this just means you can hear the presenter through a range of speakers.

Features

INTERACTIVE GAME
Where to start? I guess with the interactive game. In theory you get to pit your poker-playing wits against a virtual John Thomson. In reality this is a clumsy, slow moving game that struggles to reflect how a real Poker game would feel. You can`t group your cards, and the delays after each decision make it a complete non-starter. My guess is that you`ll play this just the once, for about 5-10 minutes.

INTERACTIVE QUESTIONS
This is a reasonably useful feature that asks you some simple questions at the end of each chapter to check your learning.

OUTAKES
These are essentially just line-fluffs from John Thomson, or on-set asides that were never intended to be part of the finished piece. Avoid.

BOOKLET
I didn`t get this, but it`s referred to in the programme and seems to contain a variety of useful reference notes, including `Odds Charts` and a jargon-buster.

Conclusion

I`ve always had quite a soft spot for John Thomson. He`s a down-to-earth, funny guy, never better than when he was doing his wonderful PC working men`s club stand-up comic act.

In truth, I`ve nothing against Poker either. It`s an engaging and fun game that combines luck and strategy in equal measure and as long as it`s just clothes or matchsticks that you`re playing for, where`s the harm in that?

But Poker has its darker side and the growth of on-line gambling is nothing to feel good about where the virtual odds might well be heavily stacked against its participants, and where policing is almost impossible.

I guess the upside is that this lack-lustre DVD will do little to further that cause.

I guess if what you`re looking for is a straightforward instructional DVD that clearly explains the game then this may be for you. However, if you`re expecting a few laughs and some really heavy insight into how to make a personal fortune through Poker then forget it.