Review of Scorched

Introduction

I once bought a disc of a film that I really loved, and when I got home I found a minute little scratch on the playing surface. It was barely visible to the naked eye, the slightest of imperfections, but when it came to playing the disc, the film would freeze in the player, judder and skip. Naturally I had to replace it. Then Scorched comes in the post. A review disc slipped inside a simple disc envelope cocooned in bubble wrap. Somewhere during its journey through the postal ether, an overzealous postal worker attacked the package with a stamp so forcefully, that through all the layers of protection, the imprint of that stamp got etched into the playing surface of that disc. Looking at it, I could tell you exactly when and where it passed by the eager little mail worker. Yet this disc plays without a single hitch in my player. There`s something of a cosmic irony here, as Scorched is a film that… I better not get ahead of myself.

In a quiet little Texas town there is a bank, the Desert Savings Bank to be precise. In this bank work three tellers whose stories unfold here. Rick, who happens to be the bank manager, has just dumped teller Sheila Rilo. She used her savings to put him through college, and he repaid her by sleeping with his maths tutor. Quite understandably she`s looking for revenge, and it comes to her that the ATM machines were robbed quite recently by hackers, and Rick was told that if it happened again on his watch, his job would be on the line. Woods is another teller at the branch, something of a nature lover (although the feeling isn`t mutual); he takes in wounded animals and tries to save the environment. His bane is Charles Merchant, a millionaire who built his fortune on self-help courses, and has a passion for hunting. He orphaned Woods` pet duck, and Woods wants revenge. Then he notices that Merchant keeps a large volume of undeclared cash in a safety deposit box, a box to which there are two keys. The bank has one, while the other is kept on the collar of Itchy, Merchant`s pet Pomeranian. Then there is Stu, a hard working teller whose best friend is a loafer with big dreams. When Max accuses him of being imprisoned by his life, of never having a dream of his own, Stu lets slip an idea. The vault is unguarded from Friday night to Monday morning, and always contains $250,000. Theoretically, someone could take that money, go to Vegas, put it all on black in roulette, and double up. Then Monday morning they`d put the original money back, and no one would be the wiser. And so three plans are born. Only fate being what it is, the tellers all decide to rob the bank on the same weekend.

Video

Scorched gets a fairly run of the mill, 1.85:1 anamorphic transfer. It`s pretty clear and sharp for the most part, although there are moments of softness. Most apparent is the grain, which is the only thing marring an otherwise clean print. There is also some moiré on fine detail, but otherwise it looks just like what it is, a recent, unblemished film.

Audio

The sole DD 5.1 track immediately puts the speakers to work with the opening scene. A model airplane is put through its paces, with the tinny little motor making its way around the living room. The dialogue is clear and the music comprises a nice selection of tunes. This disc is lacking in subtitles however.

Features

Trailer.

Conclusion

There`s nothing like a decent heist comedy to while away the hours. You`ve guessed it. Scorched is nothing like a decent heist comedy. It`s half-baked, disjointed and with a script that needed a whole lot more work before being committed to celluloid. Scorched tries to be a jack-of-all-trades, hovering between the sort of coolness espoused by the Ocean`s Eleven remake, but ends up leaning towards madcap zaniness instead. It just isn`t zany enough though, always pulling back before anything of genuine mirth occurs.

It`s a shame, as you would expect greater things from this cast. John Cleese is frankly wasted in a role that he can do in his sleep, the Basil Fawlty shtick that seems to be his default setting, while Woody Harrelson is cast as another amiable moron. In Cheers he played Woody, here he plays Woods. I wonder if there is some sort of contractual stipulation that he gets to use a variation of his own name in the roles he plays. Here he is the animal lover, whose fingers are delectable to various species of fauna. Cue plenty of slapstick moments while he tries to remove lizard or canine from his hand. I still haven`t figured out the point of Rachel Leigh Cook`s character, Shmally, who seems to wander in and out of the script at random, holding a grudge against Merchant, while lapsing into delusions of Xena Warrior Princess inspired by a passion for the Dungeons and Dragons RPG.

The big problem is that with three robberies planned for the same time, you would expect these characters to run into each other, some kind of confusion to develop, farce, mayhem, panic, lunacy, the potential for comic happenstance is almost overwhelming. But Scorched actually avoids this, and despite the veritable goldmine of ideas, each character`s story progresses and develops independently of the others.

Scorched is inoffensive, vaguely entertaining but suffers from a slow build up that failed to engage my interest. It does get better towards the end, but it is too little too late. On my patented laugh-o-meter, it rated one chuckle and a couple of wry smirks. Scorched is just dull. It`s hit and miss, with no real cohesion, and there are better comedies out there. And I still can`t believe this disc played after Royal Maul put it through their wringer.