Review of Ninja, Condors

Introduction

Some appalling discs have passed through Reviewer Towers, and you know you`re in for a bad viewing experience when the review disc is a DVD-R, with the title hand-written on. Furthermore, there were no menus and the disc autoplayed, so I was immediately expecting the worst.

Tellingly, according to the IMDb, most of the cast only appeared in this film, so either they all worked under pseudonyms, or all disappeared without trace in 1987. Furthermore, George Nicholas and Eugene Thomas are uncredited yet they should enjoy second and third billing after Alexander Lou who plays the hero.

The plot, as far as one can tell, involves Alexander Lou`s Brian (yes, Brian!), who as a boy saw his father killed in a rather nasty way and became a Ninja to avenge him. The villain of the piece is Lucifer (no, not that Lucifer!), played by George Nicholas, a gangster with a bodyguard of Ninjas whom he berates at regular intervals. In order to kill Lucifer, Brian becomes one of the bodyguards, but leaves the organisation when ordered to kill the policeman who saved his life. Getting drunk, he becomes involved in a bar fight started by Eddie (Eugene Thomas), a black undercover cop who uses the word `honky` with disturbing regularity and who tags along with Brian.

Video

A horrible 1.85:1 transfer letterboxed into a 4:3 frame. It`s clear that the film stock has sat on the shelf for 20 years and has just been transferred onto DVD with every expense spared.

Audio

A badly dubbed and hissy affair - when there is no sound, the speakers emit white noise! All combat sounds are courtesy of the Random Kung-Fu Sound Generator.

Features

None on the review disc, although the retail disc will have a trailer and a stills gallery.

Conclusion

There is a TV show on the Paramount Comedy Channel called `Badly Dubbed Porn` in which soft-core skin-flicks are re-dubbed with new stories and dialogue; this film would fit into the category of `Badly Dubbed Kung Fu` as the dubbing and dialogue are so awful it`s hard to believe that anyone did it without intending it to be a joke. It seems that no attempt has been made to preserve continuity or maintain a cohesive narrative: Brian is captured by Lucifer, has his head bandaged and is then told that they want him dead! The film reaches a natural conclusion, then for no reason, a bizarre fight scene on a bridge breaks out, which extends the running time by 20 minutes.

Alexander Lou, who plays Brian, is a skilled practitioner of martial arts and apparently a Taekwondo champion. He had a long career in martial arts movies either as an actor or choreographer but does not possess the sort of screen presence that transfers a martial artist into a movie star as Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan were able to do. His relationship with Eugene Thomas is convincing, which is not a surprise as they collaborated on no fewer than 5 films between 1984 and 1987, but this is wasted as the dialogue and choreography are so poor. One scene has Brian throwing shuriken like a Las Vegas croupier whilst many of the stunts are so obviously shot using reverse filming that they are comical rather than dramatic.

In `True Romance`, Clarence goes to see a Sonny Chiba triple bill and this is potentially the sort of film that would have been shown at such a grindhouse cinema, only I don`t believe it`s good enough. It almost could be described as an exploitation film, but every opportunity for gratuitous violence or nudity is missed.

This is a terrible film, not helped by the dreadful sound and visuals, but just as I like bad horror movies, I imagine there is an audience for bad kung-fu movies. It`s a feeble attempt at an action/martial arts film, but if you don`t take it at all seriously and pretend it`s a comedy, there are laughs aplenty.