Review of Number One, Longing. Number Two, Regret

Introduction

If there is one thing that I have come to dread when writing these reviews, it`s the deep blue tinge of a DVD-R. While technically most of the discs that we get to review are screeners, sans packaging and label art, they are still pressed on the production lines that eventually turn out the final retail product. As such they are as close as possible to what you will see in you own living rooms. Not the DVD-Rs. These can be quickly burnt from a PC at any point in a film`s production, and more often than not don`t reflect the final product. I got one of those DVD-Rs of the type that if they get too hot, the picture breaks up, practically guaranteed in my Sony Player. To taunt me, I also got the preliminary case inlay, which promises an anamorphic picture on a dual layer disc, with extra features including Outtakes, Behind The Scenes, and a Scrap Book. The blue, soon to be coaster that I got had none of these, as well as a letterbox transfer on a single layer disc. Consequently this review will be truncated in the technicals. But none of this matters if the film is worthwhile, right?

John Spears seems to be a man caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. A long-term recluse who rarely leaves his apartment, he`s arrested when his neighbour is found murdered. He`s reluctant to talk to the police, which seems an obvious sign of guilt. But his case intrigues the detective assigned, and as Kenosha investigates Spears` past further, she uncovers a dark conspiracy that he`s been hiding from for years. The media notoriety means that his past isn`t going to stay hidden for long, and soon dark figures are hunting Spears down.

Video

It`s shot on DV, which makes for a rather dull experience. It`s soft and there is some motion blur. The film itself is very claustrophobic, set bound and static and doesn`t have any scale or dynamism that a movie implies. It`s more a kitchen sink drama of a film. But this isn`t the final product, although I doubt an anamorphic picture will make it seem any better.

Audio

The DD 2.0 soundtrack is acceptable, the dialogue, such as it is, is clear, but as before this is hardly the final product. There weren`t any subtitles either.

Features

Nothing but an animated menu.

Conclusion

Watching a film that fails to engage is a difficult proposition at the best of times, but it`s made nigh on impossible when you have to take the disc out of the player every half hour, and wave it around like an idiot, in the hope that it`ll cool down enough to play out the rest of the movie. When a film is as dismally bad as Number One, Longing. Number Two Regret, then all bets are off. I may have been sat in front of the TV last night, but my mind was in a far sunnier place.

It does promise an exciting thriller, a sort of Bourne Identity-lite. But in execution it fails miserably, coming across more like a student film, low in production values, unimaginatively directed, and with a half-baked plot that just fades away into incomprehensibility, not delivering any story resolution, or character resolution at that. The final nail in the coffin, no actually the whole damn coffin itself, has to be the acting. I`d say it was poor if I were being kind. You get professional performances from the likes of Jenny Agutter and Jeremy Bulloch, weighed against the majority of the cast who seem to be giving it a go in between their day jobs. When the main protagonist comes across as a whiny little toe rag who generates no sympathy whatsoever, then even watching a big budget production would be a chore. And his was one of the better performances.

Still, this film has some guaranteed box office. Jeremy Bulloch (Boba Fett in Star Wars) plays Detective Fett in this. There`s even a half-hearted Star Wars quote to listen out for. The hardest of hard-core Star Wars fans will buy this just to add to their collection, even though they may never watch it. Frankly, I`d have appreciated this film a little more if they had played up the Star Wars connection, instead of being shamefaced about it.

Looking at the packaging I noticed Lottery Funded printed on the inlay. Before the steam came gushing from my lugholes, I realised that even films like this are a point on a learning curve for filmmakers, and for every five such stinkers, there is one film that shows genuine promise. And once in a while, there will be a film that will make the whole Lottery Funding thing worthwhile. Besides, I`d rather have a thousand films such as this one instead of that White Elephant of a Millennium Dome, or that wretched 2012 Olympics logo.

Still, Number One, Longing. Number Two Regret is number one film to avoid. It`s so bad it`s dismal. With the Frisbee of a disc that I got, the technical aspects aren`t worth commenting on, so they remain ungraded. As for the film itself…