Page 1 of parenting probs

Afternoon all,

a bit OT but thought someone in here might be able to help out.

Well i`ll try and put this in a nutshell

My eldest 22 doesn`t want to study or do anything, he lays in bed all day listens to weird rock music only comes out of his room for food. Speaks to no one in the house, never replies when spoken to I`ve forgotten what his voice sounds like. Hes been in a downward spiral for the past 2 years everytime I try to find out or make suggetions he walks away. My wife says he`s just a normal kid we`ve had many arguments on it I want him to go to college and do something with his life no be a layabout. And its not normal at that age I was out at every opportunity getting drunk with mates waking up on park benches with last night kebab stuck to me and getting a leg over a female every now and then ;)

But this boy doesn`t want anything form life, has no friends has a string of girlfriends always calling for him but his strange behaious seems to have scared them off.

Personally I`m at the point of booting him up the backside my refuses to do anything and just says let him be. At this time of my life I was hoping all my kids would be at university and I`d have some time finally for myself no some stroppy son giving me grief.

After giving it a lot of thought and chuking ideas about I know its not drugs, he doesn`t go out or have any money. Am actually stumpt I`ve been thinking maybe a mental illness bought a book on it during my lunch break last week been reading it at work and the "symptoms" for a condition called bi-polar disorder (manic depression) seem to fit the bill down the every detail. But could I be making a mistake in talking to his GP to maybe try getting him some help or should I just leave him to work it out alone.

Phuuuf feel better getting that off my chest and input would be great :)

soulman

It`s a tough one. From your first post it`s a little unclear, is he 22?

If he is, I would perhaps stop funding him, and then he would have to get a job - just to eat. Tell him that if he wants to still be living at home at 22 he has pay something towards the upkeep, food, the roof over his head. Nothign ridiculous, maybe £50 a week?


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Sounds more like a 15yr old than 22....

Give him the kick up the arse he needs. As said before, first step is to make him pay rent. Second is to make sure he goes to college or gets a job otherwise he`s out.

Worked for me.

ps... by wierd rock music, do you mean Goth?

If he is a goth, then take him to the vets and get him put down....its better for both of you in the long run!!

Appreciate the replies

Everytime I cut his finances off his beloved mum always gives in and goes behind my back and gives him some :/

I`ve told her you kep doing it time and time again he`ll never change and whats does she do not but a week ago.

But the bottom line is I`m going to play the chucking him out card unless he contributes to the household.

I got him the local college prospectus for the september that had just passed made him sit down and look at it he went though
it and said theres nothing that interested him. Well septembers gone and I don`t much care what interests him he can
get in sainsburys or bar work but hes working till next september where something will interest him or his backside
will feel my boot.


lol neil gawd knows some marilyn someone and other weird names once dared walking into his room to turn that crap off and tripped on

a pile of cd`s picked on up and thought hmmm each to their own. Nah don`t think he`s a goth at least he doesn`t dress in black (much)
and fly about the streets on a scooter with his finger nails painted. If he did he would be long gone by now stuff that game.

He really is an annoying kid his sisters are 17 19 and a younger probother at 15 and he`s more mature than him, well mannered
does what he`s told, and is a good kid they all are part from this dodgy lad.

Sometimes I wonder if there was a mixup at the hospital.

soulman

Ever considered the army? Might buck his ideas up a bit. You could always use that as a threatening tool unless he gets himself a job.

Marilyn Manson.

No idea maybe manson usually some hard rock drum and base, house, hip-hop, reggea ska some off it I quite like.

Army hmmm is a thought. He used to box at ameteur level and was good then came the personality change and lack of dicipline and that went out the window maybe the army would whip him into shape. Can`t see him going volentarily.

Soulman

You mention that he`s been a downward spiral for the last two years - what about the first 20, though? Was he a happy child, did you and your wife have a good relationship with him, did he do well at school, that sort of thing.

For one thing, you say that he has a `string of girlfriends always calling for him` (bloody hell, isn`t he the lucky one!), which wouldn`t be very likely if he`s stayed in his bedroom for 22 years.

Talking to a GP might be your best bet at this point - apart from anything else, some impartial advice from a professional might help you and your wife to reach an agreement on what is best for your son. You have to consider that if he is suffering from a mental illness of some sort, neither of you are going to be able to give him the help that he needs. The Army - as some have suggested - might be a sensible option if he`s simply suffering from a lack of self-discipline, but it`s hardly going to be able to `whip` him out of depression.

One other thing - arguments about what is `normal` are completely pointless. By your definition, I wasn`t normal at 22, because I was very shy and quiet, and preferred to stay in and read books than go out clubbing every night. That didn`t stop me from going to uni and doing something better with my life.

In fact, if I`d done the things you mention (like waking up on park benches, getting completely hammered, shagging around like a rabbit) I think my dad would have been worried about me. ;)

Mike

This item was edited on Wednesday, 12th November 2003, 16:50

If all he seems to have is music, buy him a guitar - maybe he`ll join a band.

Instant friends and purpose.

Don`t question the type of music though - that`d only be YOUR problem.
Did`nt have the best of times myself at that age. Some people need help finding their own direction, not forcing into someone else`s.