Page 1 of Think my dad is dying...

Hi,

I never really bonded with my father as a child as he was an alcoholic, never violent but very selfish and made my mothers life a misery.

Luckily he managed to stop and has been sober for the past 25+ and that is something that should be applauded but he still has been a very selfish person since then, never bonding with his grandchildren the same as with my upbringing.

But being the youngest spoiled child from a big family he does not know when he is acting this way.....he genuinely doesn't understand when he is being selfish and it angers me when he moans about the kids running around.

But recently he has very bad health, he has a fear of hospitals and will not go or see a doctor, in the past 2 months he has changed from a well built guy...40" waist and big boned to a frail old guy with a 28" waist, skin and bone and his face etched in pain moaning and groaning all day and night.

My mother who stuck by him and myself are getting angry because he refuses to see a doctor and we are cursing and getting angry ourselves,

What can we do?...he wont listen....he is suffering just now asking for something to take away the pain but wont see a doctor! And i feel so sorry for him

I am thinking of getting some marijuana and giving it to him to take away the pain...if it works?.... but my mother is against any kind of drug so don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading.

Sounds a very difficult situation. :(

I guess the real issues about getting him weed are if he'd use it, I guess he'd probably give it a go if he already smoked...

...and if it would provide enough or any relief for him. Which I guess you wouldn't know if you don't know what is wrong with him. :/

When he is next in real pain, you could try very very calmly just saying you know he doesn't want to go to the doctor, but now he has to, your sorry but now he has to and he has no choice. Almost like you would a child.

If you completely act as if he has no choice, and do it calmly and matter-of-fact, as in this is going to happen whatever and there is nothing he can do to stop it, you might get lucky and find he'll go along with it.

Before you do that you could talk to your local practise and explain the situation to them, and ask how likely it would be to get an emergency short notice appointment, because I suspect if you booked one the deadline of that wouldn't help.

They might even have someone willing to do a house call in this situation, or have another recommendation.


Hope that helps. :/


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Thanks for the advice Rob.

His older sister is coming over shortly to try and talk some sense into him and i will try that Nhs 24 and explain the situation.

Hopefully he will seek some help.

Cheers.

sorry to hear of your dad's illness, if he is still eating and drinking normally, I would suggest there is an underlying issue causing the severe loss of weight.

Perhaps rather than NHS24 (in my experience useless, unable to make a decision... and then only referred to GP), call out his doctor or the on call doctor, they wont think you are wasting their time, and believe me they are well use to dealing with, to put it politely 'Cantankerous' persons.

Your dad may already genuinely know what is wrong with him, but may be in denial, or just plain scared about having confirmed, or how the family react.

Thoughts are with you.

Reading your post had the same thoughts running round my head as Mark's.
NHS24 up here aren't too bad but I think they'll probably refer to a GP or might get a Dr or someone in the Medical profession to call back.

It's difficult but at the end of the day he needs to be checked out.
My Mum is 89 now and does the same thing every time a Dr is mentioned, think it's a parent/older generation thing, but when she starts complaining I just get to the point and similar to Rob's comment above tell her calmly but firmly the Dr is getting a call, her GP os brilliant and does house calls and as she's been his patient for god knows how many years he's out like a flash every time.

I usually have to meet him in the hall to quietly tell him the problems as she will tell him whatever is wrong is different to make it sound less than it really is.

Wishing you the best mate and a positive outcome.

Jimbo : oÞ

"There`s that word again... is there a problem with the Earth`s gravitational pull in the future?"

Thanks for the replies.

My father has promised his sister that he will get himself seen to, i phoned NHS24 earlier and explained how bad he was, but they wanted to speak to my Dad and he was talking away like there was not much wrong with him.

A GP is supposed to be phoning back sometime today and hopefully he can get himself checked out properly.

Cheers.

I would just like to add one thing, not necessarily for you Skirpy, but for anyone who believes time left with a relative not be as long as they would want...

Try and forget about any sadness or bitterness that has gone before, make the most of each day, if you cant be with them, a phone call just to say hello, and remember to say the things you always wanted to, as one day you may not be able to!

I lost my dad 3 1/2 years ago, everyday at some point he is in our thoughts, the pain/sadness of loss doesn't go away, but it does ease... with my dad we knew time was short, we thought we were going to lose him at Christmas, he perked up considerably in the new year, even travelling to see his granddaughters in our new home, the weekend prior to his passing we had all been up and seen him, the following Sunday morning I received the call 'no one want's' my mum just telling me 'Dad, had gone'... in the 18 last months hospital could do nothing but prolong his life, not cure him.

Remember the positive things, and whatever the outcome respect their wishes at the end, my dad was at home, where he wanted to be, he had dignity and quality of life to the last.

Looking back, I am sure he knew the last time we saw him, that would be our last visit...

RIP dad,

and Skirpy, be strong for your dad, your family and yourself.

Skirpy, I hope you can get your dad some help, even if it's just to manage the pain, he doesn't sound well at all. 

I lost my Dad 6 years ago next month, and it was really hard (marksparks post  just made me cry) but I agree with everything he said, let any regret, bitterness and anger go as soon as you can and try and enjoy each other as long as you can.  My Dad stayed at home too, and I will be forever grateful for the time we got together after his diagnosis.  It may be that your Dad has a good idea of what's going on and can't face up to it yet, or just doesn't feel able to face treatment if it does turn out to be serious, or just might not feel ready to talk about it, all you can really do is talk to him, try and spend some good quality time together and be there for your mum.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, I hope you can stay strong in such a difficult situation.

I appreciate all the sentiment, I had similar upbringing to yours, except my dad was a mean drunk, violence was just expected growing up, I think I was 15 or 16 the 1st time I hit him back then left the house because my mum took his side, my dad hated me growing up and I hated him, he died while I lived in the states and the only reason I came back was to make sure my mum was ok (or as ok as she could be) then I high tailed it back stateside, never visited his grave till I lost my mum and she was buried next to him and still couldn't give a toss about him and reading this is the 1st time I have even given him a moments thought, so its easy to as us all to forgive and forget, sometimes though you have to walk a mile in our shoes. :(

Any news Skirpy?