Page 1 of Friday the Funteenth

These came in this week, some are old but still crack me up.

I HAVE recently started to masturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette
Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight
or a paedophile. What do your readers think?

K Walker(Wrexham)

COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Abu Hamsa?

Les Barnsley, Barnsley

`ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania`,
says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month
for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b * stards.

P Lowe (Crewe)

HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the `N*****` word on his
multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at
my son`s football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it`s
one law for the rich and another for the poor.

K Adcock e-mail

So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do
they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He`s been deaf for 20 years.

Tim

They say "you can`t judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last
edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing
a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be
an excellent indication of the contents.

Dave H (Weston)

According to Nietzsche, `That which does not kill me makes me stronger`.
I`m sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive
strokes in the early `90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable
for the past 12 years.

A Thorne, Sandbach

IT`S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. `Absence makes the
heart grow fonder`, said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way
to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of
my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room
carpet this morning.

Steve (Congleton)


The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting
questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official
tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final
score place our national champ in the world league table?

Magnus, Sheffield

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain`s
prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God,
has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be
given `thrill of a lifetime` experiences that most law abiding citizens
can only dream of.

K.W.ex Crewe

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just
me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven`t told the
poor sods?

John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Phil (Coppenhall)

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers
try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don`t the producers include a couple of
Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw *at quickly enough the
last time he played hide and seek with them.

Dave H----Email

It`s all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but
why wasn`t she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?

Karl (Wrexam)

I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with
Jenny. She is a great sh * g. Thanks again. Baz, Bondi

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson`s
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing
into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some
faster cars.

T Barnham, London




If it ain`t broke hit it harder
Damn Nicotine